How do I pick up the pieces? Where do I start? I feel like I’m broken…..
The last few days have been terrible and filled with too much suffering. She was in good spirits last Thursday, even though she was moved to the hospital bed and had the catheter. By Friday she was much worse and could hardly talk. Saturday, worse. By Sunday she could barely respond to anybody. I slept on the couch by her bed, listening to her breathe, and checking on her constantly throughout the night. This morning around 9:30 the yelling and crying out started. “Pain” and “hurt” managed to come out of her mouth as clear as day. Screaming these words over and over. “Help me” came out too…. she would look straight into my eyes (her eyes were normally closed at this point) with this horrible look of fear while she begged for my help. It took Hospice over 2 and a half hours, with about 6 phone calls, to finally get out there (****RIDICULOUS***). They gave her morphine drops, which calmed her down and eventually put her to sleep. This was early afternoon, and she never woke up again. At 7:35 pm she gasped for her last breathe. I can’t even describe the hurt we’re feeling right now. Somehow I’ll have to heal, but I have no idea how.